'Forgive me"

I honestly don't know where to start.  My life has been one long journey of learning how to forgive.  I can't forget the past but I am learning how to forgive.  It isn't an easy journey to make.

I've been hurt many times over but I am learning that I can also forgive.  I was born and raised in an era where one could not even dare speak up to parents.  But I have.  I've been brash, I've been bitter I've been everything I'm not supposed to be.  I've have fallen short a million times.  My very first reaction is to always point the blame at someone else.

I've always expected my parents to say, "I'm sorry, I forgive you too." But that's never happened.  I grew up expecting that they would do so one day.  It was difficult for me to realize that they never will and now it doesn't matter anymore.  It doesn't matter.  We've fought so many times, I can't count.  We've exchanged many hurtful words.  I don't know when I'll be able to face mom and say, "I'm sorry that I hurt you."  Like she always says, I'll never really know what's she's lived through and I know very well that part of the life she's lived has been one of love and she's loved me the best way she could.  So why is it so hard for me to let go? Why is it so hard to forgive other people as well.

I vowed to myself that one day, I'd be able to face my children and accept the fact that I'm not perfect.  I've asked forgiveness from other people except my family.  Why is it so much easier to do that with other people and so difficult to do with people you truly love?

Would you believe it?  A friend's 3 year old son taught me the value of forgiveness.  I can't even begin to describe the absolution I felt.  Why was it so easy for me to kneel on one knee, look him in the eye and say that I was sorry that I had hurt him? Children do not harbor hatred.  There is no past and there is no future in their minds.  There is only the now. The little boy looked at me questioningly and simply said, 'it's okay Auntie Marie' and gave me a real tight hug and a brief kiss.  His simple gesture broke a wall of defense in me. I had carefully built that wall and he tore it down with a simple, 'it's okay.' How much more beautiful can it ever get.  Since that day, almost 12 years ago, I have tried to do the same thing.  One thing's for sure - I am no longer shy and no longer afraid to admit I'm wrong.

I'm not completely over everything. I still have a long long way to go and it may take many more years to get over my horrendous past.  I can't let go and I want revenge on the people who've hurt and abused me.  I'm talking of other people - not my family.   My mom is the least of my worries.  Any hurt I thought she gave was just in my mind.  I'm still hoping that in time, I'd be able to hug my mom back and just tell her that I love her and ask for forgiveness.