Ghosts from the Past - 5

Here's another story - an affidavit from a young man I had been with before.

Republic of the Philippines )

City of San Fernando . . . . ) S.S.

AFFIDAVIT

            I, JOSE MARI LORENZ MIRANDA, 21 Years old, single with present address c/o Mother of Good Counsel Seminary, City of San Fernando, Pampanga, after being duly sworn to in accordance with law, hereby depose and state the following:

1. I was born into this world on the Thirty-first of May 1983, of legally married spouses by the name of Agapito L. Miranda III and Maria Estrellita Miranda. My father was a leather technologist in an international leather company while my mother was a physics teacher in secondary and collegiate education, first at the University of La Salle, and later on at the University of the Philippines, Diliman. I was the youngest child, being preceded by two brothers. Our birth gap was respectively 2 years each. The firstborn -  Agapito B. Miranda IV was born in 1979, and my middle brother, Michael John B. Miranda was born on October 1, 1981

2. The said movement or organization was a newly set up lay monastic community in the town of Magalang, Pampanga where I would spend the next 17 years of my life. A fellow teacher of my mother at the University of the Philippines introduced her to this new movement, and in turn, she introduced my father to the said monastery. They started attending their prayer meetings and participating in the movement’s communal life, though at the same time retaining their businesses etc. It then dawned into their minds that they would bring us – their 3 children into Caryana, their reasons, as they later told me, were because they wanted us to have the best spiritual education and formation possible, which they believed was attainable in Caryana. Thus, they sacrificed everything, particularly their parental affections; to follow what they thought would benefit us their children the most.

3. Around the year 1985, we, the 3 children, were entered as permanent members of Caryana at the ages of approximately 2, 4, and 6. This entailed that we could not leave the compound or see our parents, but spend our lives abiding by the rules and regulations of the place within the compound. On the other hand, our parents were denied permanent membership on the grounds that their delicate upbringing would not be able to stand the rigors of the monastic life. They continued being merely “members” – they stayed in Caryana at night, and participated in the Sunday services etc, but continued working outside. In this frame of life, I grew up, amidst the disciplined and austere life of Caryana and without the presence or affection of my parents.

4. The philosophy or reasoning behind this was the teaching proposed by the head of the place – Fr. Odon de Castro, that the best offering and sacrifice a parent could give was to offer their children to God by giving them to Caryana. They were then supposed to be “dedicated to God” and completely offered to Him. In turn, this sacrifice would guarantee the salvation of the parents as long as they did not turn back on their offering to God. Aside from this was the reasoning that there was no other place in the world where a child could be brought up in holiness and sanctity. This may sound weird and out of place but it is this theory that has so unfortunately, precipitated, if not totally destroyed, the lives of many a child who could have had a better future. Over and above all, it was the way this theory was inculcated into the mindset of parents that has caused many a broken family if not a wasted life.

5. There have been so many controversies over this and many other teachings that were taught to us. I myself have often questioned and thought about the morality of the doctrines that were inculcated into our psychology. The difference in the way of life that we were reared in is that only the side of Caryana is taught and defended while everything to the contrary is vehemently opposed and castigated. The result is that the inmates of that place grow up with only one side of the matter presented before their eyes. This ends up with them accepting for facts and realities what are actually nonsensical teachings. Growing up in such an environment is very detrimental to ones upbringing since one takes and believes for certain what is actually false only to find out later on that one was misled and misguided for the past years, that many things which we were taught to fear and dread were mere invented phantasies which terrorized us into submission or compliance but which never really existed. This would be all right if life were just a play that could easily be rewinded, but unfortunately, that is not the case, and many things, which the Caryana deprived us of, are irretrievable.

6. I can barely remember anything about my life outside Caryana, I “woke up” there and in its atmospheric condition would I be saturated from 1985 – 2002. In short, I came to the use of reason inside Caryana. Waking up there meant that I grew up in an environment of “parentlessness” – if ever there is such a word, and left to thrive and give meaning to my life. It was this fact that caused me so much pain and apprehension before I could finally muster the strength to leave the place. Imagine how a child who came to reason in such a place completely walled out from the outside world, without any access to information or news  - how would he feel and what pains he would have to undergo just to try to discover that world which he was deprived of!

7. We spent the next years of our life inside, practically passing our childhood and adolescence in that place without being exposed to the world or given the information that is the right of every citizen of the Philippines to know about his country and the developments and occurrences that happened. In that place we were totally isolated from what they called the “Outside World” and made to believe that there was no salvation outside that place. There we were made into virtual slaves of those who ruled that place, without any right to protest, question or argue about any rule or measure imposed on us. Our only choice was to obey orders as they were given and unfortunately, many of these orders and rules exceeded humane sanity and savored of unjust and inhuman brutality.

8. The daily schedule of that place is what follows below. This daily schedule is what they call the “Monastic Horarium.” The life in that place is monotonous – the schedule today is the same year in and year out. This will give more or less an idea of the life and structure of that place.

2:45 / 2:50 am -                 Rising, washing of face etc. in preparation for Prayers

3:00 – 4:00 am –               First Prayer called Matins

4:00 – 4:30/5:00 am -        Second Prayer called Lauds

4:30/5:00 – 6:00 am -        Spiritual reading

6:00 – 6:20/30 am -           Third Prayer called Prime

6:20/30 am – 8:45 -           Work

8:45 – 9:00 am -                Fourth Prayer called Terce

9:00 – 9:15/30 am -           First Meal

9:15/30 – 11:45 am           Work

11:45 – 12:00 pm -            Fifth Prayer called Sext

12:00 – 2:00 pm -              Personal Prayer / Reading, / Siesta

2:00 – 2:15 pm -                Sixth Prayer called None

2:15 – 4:30 pm -                Work

4:30 – 5:00 pm -                Seventh Prayer called Vespers

5:00 – 5:30 pm -                Showers, personal Prayer, Reading

5:30 – 5:45/6:00 pm -        Second Meal

5:45/6:00 – 6:30 pm -        Cleaning up, Spiritual Reading, Rosary

6:30 – 7:00 pm -                Eighth Prayer called Compline

7:00 – 7:30 pm -                Spiritual Reading, Study

7:30 – 8:00 pm –               Bedtime prayers then Retire or Sleep.

9. This is the normal schedule of that place and everything else revolves around it. There are of course exceptions to the schedule depending on the age and gender of individuals and other consideration. This schedule is followed punctually – on the dot – corresponding punishments are meted out to all who are late for any schedule. Prayer however, is given priority – everything is adjusted to the tune of prayers so that other scheduled activities will be shortened just to give way to the prayers.  The life is like that of a military camp but instead of whistles and guns it is the bell that is the signal for each activity.

10. The above rule of Rising at 3am for prayers was not imposed on children below 12 years old but in many cases, one of which was mine, it was imposed on us as early as the age of 7. To this day I remember the agonizing moments I spent each morning when the natural tendency to sleep dragged me towards one direction, while the punishments for doing so would force me to wake myself up. There have been other children who were subjected to this rule at an even younger age. The reason behind it was that reportedly, some children were caught playing during the hours their watchers were engaged in prayers, and since playing was heavily restricted, and often totally banned, their playfulness which they could not restrain became the cause for their having to join the prayers as early as 3 am.

11. As children we passed through different groups: firstly, that of infants or babies of both sexes that ranged from months old – around 1 ½ years old. These were taken care of by the Women members of Caryana called the sisters. Secondly, was the group of the younger children comprised of both girls and boys ranging from ages 2 – 6. These were likewise taken care of by the sisters. Thirdly there was the group of the boys and the girls, sometimes referred to as “Big Boys” and “Big Girls.” In these groups, the ages ranging form 6 – 12, the girls were separated from the boys, though both were headed or taken care of by the sisters. The 3 above-mentioned groups are classified into “Children” and they live together in one compound called St. Placid. At the age of 12 or even younger, the children are finally separated. They leave St. Placid and are sent either to the “Brothers” or to the “Sisters” respectively depending on their gender.

12. Our meals were only taken twice a day and the taking of anything else aside from water during the intervals was a capital offense that would earn the most severe penalties. Often, the food we ate was insufficient to satisfy our hunger, particularly when our work was heavy like fieldwork or making hollow blocks. We were not allowed to refuse anything served but had to eat it all whether we liked the food or not. There was a certain amount, we could not eat more than that amount nor less. Rarely were excuses based on sickness, tooth problems etc. accepted for not being able to eat what was served.

13. We were not given the chance to have any formal education in that place. We were taught to read and write; basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division, the bible and other related things to spirituality, but we were left in the dark as to other things. Thus, if someone decided to leave the place, one of the major setbacks, particularly if he was already and adult, would be that he had no formal education or the requisite knowledge necessary.

14. That there were many things done to me in that place which I have found out after having left it to be very inhumane and unreasonable. There were many sayings and weird maxims they taught, molded and sprinkled with gospel passages in the name of “humility”, “obedience” “submission” etc that terrorized or psychologized us into silently accepting our fate. We the abused were forced to believe that the abuses done to us were for our own good and that if we refused to accept them, we would be precipitated into Hell Fire. These abuses were totally uncalled for and degraded our dignity as human beings. I have undergone many of them, and others have gone through much more. Never did we think that it went against our rights as human beings since we were taught that “There is no such thing as human rights, a truly humble person believes that he deserves nothing.” This weird statement was what was used to support their injustices and make us bow in silent submission to whatever they wanted to do to us.

15. Punishments were meted out in accordance to one’s fault, and many times, according to the mindset or mood of the one taking care of us. We would be fortunate if the one taking care of us – our “watcher” or “senior” would be in a good mood since this factor would lighten our punishment. If not, then we would have to bear whatever his or her passionate rage would dictate. Further, these punishments were not labeled as punishments, but as “Satisfactions” – the theory being that we had to pay something for our sins now in this life lest we pay for them in eternal fire.  The problem here is that most of the “faults” we committed were not faults at all but mere natural human impulses, which were being suppressed under the name of “discipline.” These impulses being part of our human nature are difficult to suppress and would come out by themselves, unfortunately earning for us more and more punishments. Some of the punishments are the following:
1. Water therapy – for every fault one would be forced to drink a glass of water. This would be easy if one was thirsty, but not after the eight cup above. I often felt like bursting – imagine having to gulp down glass upon glass of water! It would cause one to literally urinate every 5 minutes.
2. Amapalaya therapy - one would be given only ampalaya to eat during meals. If within the given time for meals one was not yet able to swallow it, one would be stripped of his clothes and would be hit with a belt or stick every 5 minutes until he had swallowed the ampalaya.
3. Book therapy – consists of kneeling with arms outstretched with heavy books placed on both hands. If one allowed the books – particularly the bible, which was the most, used – to fall, one would earn a beating.
4. Beatings with belts, sticks etc – this was the most common punishment. We were beaten with whatever the senior wanted to use. This would range from pieces of wood 2x2 to pieces of rubber exterior (from the wheels of trucks or cars specially fashioned  into a latigo) to pieces of thin bamboo sticks that gave a sound lashing with corresponding sound effects. At times, parachute belts were used, pieces of rope or cords or the common belts used daily. When we were beaten, we were made to remove our clothes, often till we were totally naked, lie on the floor, and receive the number of strikes corresponding to the fault we committed. The rule however was that we were not allowed to cry or shout. Any sound would earn us another 5 strokes. Thus we had to devise ways and meanings of bearing the pain without making sounds or sobbing.  In order to accentuate the pain we were hit in the appropriate places that they knew would cause us more pain such as the legs, the back, the thighs etc, rather than the buttocks. We were forbidden to move during the administering of the beatings – if we moved due to the pain as we writhed under the whip, the belt or whatever was used would still bear down upon us regardless of what part of the body it would meet. For example if one turned and exposed his knee, his knee would be the one hit. This beating was a normal part of our lives. There were times when not a day passed without our being beaten up. The strokes ranged from 5 – hundreds depending on the fault and the mood of the watcher. When we were still children and under the supervision of the sisters, there were many times when we became callous to their beatings so much so that we just laughed at them. In order to solve this, the brothers were called in order to be the one to beat us up since their masculine strength was triple that of the sisters. These have left horrible memories in me of my childhood – a childhood spent not under the loving care of my parents, but under merciless people who had mastered the art of torture.
5. Snapping at the scrotom - this was a painful discipline done particularly by a sister by the name of Amanda (Mona) L. Recto. She used to order us to undress and would used her fingers to snap at the said part. This would cause intolerable pain to us males. I do not know where in the world did she invent such a tyrannical idea.
6. Tying up and wetting before beating – this was meant to accentuate the pain during a beating. We were wet with water then tied up before being beaten up so that the contact of the belt etc would be triply painful and we would not be able to move during the administration of the beating. At times, it was the belt that would be soaked in water, or while we were bathing in the shower rooms we would be hit right there and then with the belt – our bodies soaking wet and confined to a small cubicle were movement or self-defense was very limited.
7. Hands in prayer - this consists of having to remain in a praying position for hours if we misbehaved during prayers. This may sound simple, but not if the stick was at hand in order to give one a sound slash on the sensitive part of the hands the moment our fingers relaxed or if we fidgeted in our place.
8. Bowing before person - this was done usually while the sister was sleeping. We were made to stand in a row before her bed and remain in a bowing posture for hours. Aside from the humiliation, the back pain was terrible to the point that when we were dismissed we could hardly straighten our backs.
9. Memorizing therapy – consisting of having to memorize a given page or chapter of the bible or whatever as a punishment. Failure to do so would earn one a heavier punishment. Because of my sharp memory, this was rarely used on me. I was pitiable however to see those whose memories were not that retentive.
10. Water in the mouth – this consisted of leaving water in our mouths the whole day in order that we would not be able to talk. At any random time we would be asked to spit out the contents of our mouth. If it happened to be saliva and not water, that would earn us a sound beating.
11. Pepper therapy – this was the punishment for lying. One would be forced to eat pure pepper – the small red one usually called “Sili” without drinking water. That would make one sweat and pant from the heat.
12. Dehydration therapy – this was in accord to the rule that during siesta one was not allowed to urinate from 12 – 2 pm. Once one lay down, one would not be allowed to go to the bathroom but had to restrain the call of nature till the given time. To “Help” those of us – myself included – who could not make it but often urinated in our beds since we could not restrain urinating, our water intake was reduced to only 1/6 of a cup so that we would have less to urinate and would be spared the beating or fasting that would go with it.
13. Confinement in bathrooms
14. Tying to beds
15. Eating dilis soaked in water
16. Eating burned jam
17. Eating spoiled or half-cooked food.
18. Kneeling on salt
19. Kneeling before meals
20. Underwear on head
21. Wearing of cowl
22. Wearing of blindfold
23. Standing during matins
24. Kneeling for hours
25. Stepping on head
26. Standing in corner
27. Hammering of head with hammer
28. Pounding of head against wall
29. Imprisonment
30. Excommunication
31. Fasting

            I have not been able to explain in detail the rest or even enumerate other punishments lest it fill up too much space. The above will give a more or less vivid view of what the discipline actually was inside.                

16. We were further not given the chance to have knowledge of the outside world. Radios, television, newspapers etc were strictly prohibited and we were left in the dark as to what the world really was. This further aggravated the circumstances and gave us the idea that there was no other life except that of Caryana where we could live.

17. Sex was something cloaked in the deepest secrecy. We were left wondering about what procreation, intercourse etc was and how to explain our sexual urges, responses etc. it felt so weird as if there was always something shameful or sinful in sex. This led to many circumstances and instance when curiosity of some led them to adventurous ventures that were no longer human or natural. I prefer not to speak about it here. My point is to emphasize that if only we were  taught in the proper way what sex was, we would appreciate and hold it sacred rather than seeing it as a guilt-laden subject. Understanding it for what it really is would have not let us remain in the dark, groping for an explanation to what after all was just natural.

18. Around the year 1991 – 1992, my eldest brother who is also known in Caryana as Peter Paul, escaped from that place. He managed to break through the prison where he was confined and after 3 days of journeying on foot without food, he managed to find his way to the DSWD where he was given shelter. News about his whereabouts were denied us till we eventually took him for dead. It was only around 2001 when he was allowed to hear mass in the monastery that I and my brother were able to catch a glimpse of him, however illegal it was, and come to the realization that indeed there was life outside Caryana,

19. From 1996 until the time I left, I spent it with the brothers. The punishments were lessened though the schedule was the same. The life was much tougher since we did the work of laborers in the field, rice mills, poultry, ranches etc at our tender age and limited rations of food. Compared to the Sisters, the brothers were more humane – probably because we were already strong and if tempers flared as many times it did, the repercussions were dangerous if not deadly.

20. Due to the experiences I had especially with the sisters, I came to hate and have an aversion for women. Only when after months of staying outside that place have I come to value and respect women, seeing that whatever I had experienced under certain women in that place was only a limited matter and not something that referred to all women.

21. On March 21, 2002, after months and even years of grueling and painstaking deliberation, I was able to secure the necessary permit to get out of that place. I formally requested the permission to leave due primarily because I felt that there was something in that life which was lacking and could not fill my heart. Due to the excessive brainwashing and psychological tactics employed on us, I found it very difficult to leave that place.  I had to face so much coercion, trauma, threats etc ranging from dying out of hunger to eternal damnation if I decided to leave that place. I was looked upon as a heresiarch who was innovating new ideas that would damage the monastic regime and so was excommunicated and not allowed to go with anyone.

22. My leave-taking was even more heartrending. They told me to eat all I could for it might be the last time I would have a meal, then giving me a pair of clothes, they escorted me out to the gate. My notion all along was that they would just throw me out and oh how fast my heart beat as I prepared for my impending doom and “Survival Story”. However, they brought me to my parents – they from whom I had been separated from ever since I entered the monastery. What a pitiful sight, my mother was sobbing unrestrainedly, so affected was she by the news that she was already collapsing amidst her sobs and pleas that I stay. I was then told, “See what your decision is doing to your Mother – can you still say it is the “will of God?” will you still continue.” My answer was an adamant “Yes” and with that they told my mother; “We have done all we could, we cannot force his free-will.”  Together we made the trip to Bulacan wherein instead of affection and caresses from a long lost mother, scoldings, beratings and blows rained down on me. I offered no apologies or excuses but merely said; “The time will come when you will see I was right.” I was even told, “I would to God that you would die tonight.” From 5:30 pm – 1:00 am, it continued until eventually it was time for my parents to return to the monastery leaving me to my brother. I could breathe yes, but my heart was writhing in pain. Those memories remains forever seared into my heart and it shows how heavy the cross may become. Looking back at the past, I am at a loss as to where I got the strength to still go forward. I had reached the breaking point and perhaps it was then that I truly experienced the famous dream entitled: “Footprints in the Sand” wherein our Lord said: “It was then that I carried you.”

23. After I left that place, I concentrated on catching up with my education so as to be able to enter college. I underwent tutorial lessons for 3 months from Grades 1 – 6, then from First – Fourth Year. I took the Seminary’s Entrance Examination’s last January 2003, and the DECS Philippine Validating Test at the DECS, Ultra on March 18 – 21 2003. Having passed both satisfactorily, I became eligible to enter the Mother of Good Counsel Seminary for the Course AB Philosophy, starting School Year 2003 - 2004. It has been difficult for me, since I had no formal education but with patience and hard work, I managed to learn much and pass my subjects.

24. That up to date, Michael John is still inside that place living a life that prevents him from seeing the realities of life and making balance decisions for himself and for his future. It is he, as well as the others like him, that I am bent on helping out so that they may be able to fix up whatever they have missed, and no longer miss what they have been deprived of.

25. It is often used against persons who query about Caryana: “Ask the children themselves and they will tell you that it is of their own free-will that they are in side.” That is not true, how can they say that it is of their own free will that they are inside when first and foremost the essence of free will is that one has knowledge of two choices, neither of which is bad, and he of his own choice opts for one in preference to the other. This clearly was not the case when we were brought up. We had no choice and any other possible choice was govern such a bad picture that from sheer horror and dread one would spurn it. Is that what is called choice? Yes they say that the moment one has reached the age of 18 one can decide of his own whether to stay or not – that no one is being forced to stay – but I ask: did they prepare us for the other choice? No, they did not. they immersed us in such a way of life that everything favored staying in Caryana and it seemed that the worst decision that could be made was to leave Caryana regardless of the angle from which one views it -spiritual, psychological, material, etc – they made it appear to us the unfortunate victims of the place that our lives were meant for that place and that place alone. In the event that one decides to leave, one will find that there are so many obstacles one must first surmount in order to adapt and catch up outside. Would to God that Caryana would be willing to help those whom it has ejected and see to it that they be able to find a decent job and a respectable living. The opposite is true – we who left are looked upon as apostates and deserters with whom no contact must be made again. I think that to be treated that way by the community that so held and dictated our lives for the simple reason that we wanted to leave is very unjust and unreasonable.

26. I do not deny that there are people who have entered that place and remain there of there own free-will – that is their choice and I wish them the best. However, as far as those children are concerned, it is but fair that they be given the chance to see what the world is, and that the atmosphere or environment they are does not obstruct their vision or decision. If they want to stay after seeing both sides of the fence, why not? However, if they do not even know that there is grass on the other side of the fence – that there is another side at all, that is a different question. 

27. This has become one of my most bitter realizations in my life as I face it now ever since I left that place. It is very bitter to accept the fact that the ones you most love have infact been the cause of the problems one must face by himself. All because of a belief that was slowly yet surely inculcated into the deepest recesses of my parents hearts that cause them to shut their eyes to the realities of their life as well as of that of their children just to believe in the teachings of that place. It is a fact that is so bitter but which nevertheless must be accepted and swallowed. It is with this in view that I have decided to bring this up despite the threats of disownment that I have received from my mother. I firmly believe that I must be ready to sacrifice whatever it may cost in order to bring back justice and freedom to those who have been and are still being deprived of it. It maters little what it may cost me personally as long as I have done my duty.

28. My objectives in writing this statement is to expose the hidden issues within which have caused myself and others to suffer so much ill-treatment and harassment. I could easily have held my peace and enjoyed the fruits of success which the talents and graces I have received from God coupled with hard work, patience and perseverance have brought me, but no, I have freely decided to speak out in order that the truth may be known and that my other former companions who remain in that place may be given the freedom to enjoy their lives and their rights as they but deserve.

29. I the name of JUSTICE and HUMANITY I make this appeal: “I am not calling for a debate during which the truth may be once again twisted and perverted to justify errors. You who are responsible for all this mess may speak out what you want or think, but that cannot prevent me from speaking out the truth – namely that that institution deprived us of our rights and brainwashed our minds into believing a bunch of nonsensical lies. To top it all, it is we the children who grew up inside that have borne the brunt of this gross infraction of human rights - of our very dignity as human beings. I demand that such an institution be made to answer for the lives and careers it has wasted and that those hapless victims inside may be made to see the truth, not from behind iron curtains which distort everything, but from the bright and lucid atmosphere of freedom and liberty.

30. The following facts, I must clarify, so far as Caryana is concerned, relate only up to the time I left that place – April 21, 2002 – of course I do not know what other changes may have been implemented since the time I left that place. However, judging from the way it has been running for more than the last 30 years, I presume that things are still the same more or less – at least regarding the setup, schedule, and overall manner of governance are still the same.

31. I execute this affidavit out of my own freewill and volition in order to attest the truth of all the foregoing and for whatever legal purpose it may serve.

JOSE MARI LORENZ MIRANDA

Affiant

            SUBSCRIBED AND SWORN to before me this ___day of December, 2004 in Guagua, Pampanga. I hereby certify that I have examined the affiant and I am satisfied he voluntarily executed and understood the same.

NOTARY PUBLIC

Doc. No. ____;

Page No. ____;

Book No. ____;

*********************************************************************************

He wrote with so much pain.  I am glad he was able to tell his story as it is and I know for sure that every word is true because that is exactly what most of us experienced years ago. To live with terror in our hearts instead of love is more horrifying than anything else, inhumane to say in the least.