It's Never the End

Today, I took the first step in letting go.  I changed my relationship status on fb to 'single'.  I un-friended him. It was painful but it was a needed pain; a pain that could salve the hurt of waiting for nothing.

For the nth time, I'm moving on from an online relationship to single blessedness.  I can name a lot of reasons why a long distance relationship let alone a virtual one isn't really going to work.  Like all relationships, I felt in my heart it was the right one.  That was in 2010.  More than 2 years later, here we are at nothing.  We haven't spoken in more than a year so it doesn't count up to those 2 years.  We may have said so much in the beginning but everything just stopped.

To top it all, I haven't lost hope.  I can think of a million reasons why I'd hate myself; a million reasons why I think men wouldn't even want to look at me.  But I've found, a gazillion reasons to just say, 'what the heck!' and move on.  I want to linger.  I want to ask what went wrong.  But you know what?  I've asked myself that so many times and I never had the answer.  I don't want to torment myself and say that it probably was because of something I did.  I'm pretty sure that was one of the reasons.  But do I really have to beat myself over the head over it?

I know I'm strong.  I've known since I was 3 and was left in a monastery by my 'parents;  I  knew at 6 when I felt the first blows of a leather belt against by behind and legs; I knew during and after all the countless beatings from leather belts, from bamboo canes, from parachute belts, from 1x2 blocks of wood, from rubber tire strips, from newspapers rolled up and bound together to cause pain, from fasting and solitary confinement that I was going to overcome the pain and be strong.  I was strong and stayed silent when insulting words against my person were said.  So what if someone breaks my heart? After everything?  It hurts.  I learn.  I am vulnerable for a time from the pain but then I learn I can also move on. I can also smile and lift my head high and say - there will come a person who'll treasure me for who I am.  Not for what I can give.  I'd rather live for that moment than feel down in the dumps forever.

I'd probably still meet people online.  I can meet people elsewhere. It's not about forcing myself into someone else's life but how to discover how 2 people may not be able to live each other's  lives without the other.  One thing's for sure - it's not the end of everything else just because I chose to stay away.