To My Sister Who May Never Get to Read This...But Who Knows.

This is my sister, Maryrose.  She's the one seated on the right with glasses on.  She looks almost happy and I wish it were true.  The question is, is she? I came across this picture somewhere in the vast land of technology.  I knew it was her!  Looking at it, I was overcome with overwhelming sadness.  After all we went through when we were kids, this was just as far-fetched from the truth.  I want to believe she truly is happy.  But I keep thinking to myself, how many times we posed for a picture - smiling because we were told to?  The stupidity of it all, was that we gladly did it.  We all just wanted to grab every bit of happiness we could have; save them, keep them, treasure them, and remember them.

I haven't seen Maryrose in almost 25 years.  She is 34 or 35 years old now.  I am writing her this letter hoping that she may get to read it someday.  Who knows?  Stranger things have happened.  I don't know how I'd really feel if I came face to face with her one day.  What would we tell each other?  So this letter will probably do it.

Dear Rose,

Don't ask how I came about the pic.  I am very creative as I'm sure you will remember.  I am hoping that you really are in a happy place and that you've found yourself.  I'm miffed that we couldn't be together.  Remember the first time we planned to escape?  We almost did it, had you not stuck your head out of the tall grass.  How foolish we were then.  The big wide world would not have been kind to us back then.  We knew nothing of the life outside those high walls.  Oh - back then, they still had wired fences.  Now, your home is 45 hectares enclosed in high walls, complete with electric wires.  An Alcatraz in itself.

How funny that I live out here.  I pay an outrageous fee for my humble home, utilities, transportation and what not.  You name it!  But you know what we don't have in common?  Freedom.  I wish you'd really know what it feels like to make your own choices; to choose what you'd want to do, what you'd want to eat, what you'd want to wear, etc.  I don't have a palace, nor do I have hectares and hectares of land.  But it does feel like it because I'm free.  This is what makes all the difference. I've never wanted to ever look back.  I'm glad I took that first step.  Well make it the nth step because we planned to escape so many times.  So the last one before I left was my leap of faith and surprisingly - my leap to freedom.  I say that because I climbed on a 8-9 foot wall (it could have been higher) in the dead of the night and jumped to I don't know what.  I literally didn't know what I was jumping on to. I was lucky to land on grass.

Funny how they probably told you I was dead.  Surprised?  I heard that story so many times.  What in heaven's name possessed those people to brain-wash you into thinking that?

If by any chance you come out of there still alive and whole - bodily and in spirit.  Look me up in Facebook. The world out here is a lot different.  It isn't what I thought it was when I first came out.  Oh and by the way, I hope you've learned to speak a bit of Tagalog.  I didn't.  I went to school and my classmates and friends barely wanted to speak to me.

Even if we were not together all those years, you caused me a lot of grief.  It wasn't your fault though.  I've been worried sick about you.  There was this story going around that you were crippled for about 2 years because you'd been beaten bad.  What did you do that was so horrible to ever merit something so harsh?  Do you know how many times I thought about you and wondered if you were even alive.  I wasn't about to sneak in just to see for myself but it was a tempting thought.

Mom has been looking forward to meeting you.  She has always wanted to see you.  I don't know if they ever allowed you to see her or if she was ever allowed to see you. Remember, how we cried so hard when she left when we were kids.  Too bad, dad isn't alive to see you.  He passed away 14 years ago.  He would have spoiled you to death and I would have been so jealous of you just like when we were kids.

Ha!  yes - I remember when you used to be so mean when we were little. We were both mean but you were a lot meaner.  I hope you've learned to be gentle in spite of the horrors you've lived through.  One thing I'll tell you is - that place can either make or break a person's will, a person's sense of well-being.  It can make one utterly sensitive to the people around him or her, or it could just do the opposite.

Mona?  She's another story and I'm sure you have lots more to tell.  After all these years, just mentioning her name is like bitter medicine in my mouth.  I wonder if you've learned to care for someone.

When we were younger, I'd care less if someone was punished in my place.  I just had no love lost for anyone in there except for one other person - Jennifer.  Sigh, the years are going by so fast.  Pretty soon you'll grow old.  I hope you grow old with good memories.  I know I will.

So little sister, if you ever get this letter - I'm trying to find it in my heart to let you know that I care for you. If you need to reach out to someone, if you finally wake up to reality, you'll probably be as creative as I can and find me.

Love,
Marie