Muffin Mist - Part 1

Muffin Mist you came to me at 2 months old.  You were the smallest of the litter, had a very shot tail and looked like you just didn't belong.  But guess what? I had my eyes glued on you.  I petted your siblings but you were the one I picked up and held close to me.  Like all dogs that were and are with me, your first kiss left an imprint on my heart and there it will stay until we part ways and find ourselves at Heaven’s doors.  You are about 3 years old in man’s years now.  I guess it’s about time I write.

Every time I read about pets and what not, it’s either I laugh because the stories are funny or I cry because the stories are sad.  I guess your story would be both happy and sad. 

I’m the only human that will ever, ever love you for just being you.  No one will ever understand your personality the way I do.  You’re affectionate when you want to be but you hide a mean streak and always show it when I’m not around.  That’s what I don’t like.  I come home at times, to hear that you snapped at a child or that you growled or ran after someone.  What will I do with you? 

I can’t count the number of times that friends and neighbours suggested I have you put down.  I could never ever do it.  I thought about euthanasia for you if only to stop it.  But you know what, only a few have seen just how gentle you can be.  I cried rivers every single time someone tells me that I have to let you go. 

This is only between the two of us. 

Muffin, I will keep you for as long as I can.  I hope my loving touch will erase that mean streak you have and which you never ever show me.  Call me selfish.  But I’m keeping you because you make me happy.  I love the way you cuddle, I love feeling you right beside me in bed.  I love the way you greet me every morning.  Such exuberance! I love how you greet me when I get up from bed.  I don’t like the way you look at me at mealtimes though.  It’s as if you haven’t been fed and we know that it’s the exact opposite.  I love the way you just come to me at random and place your chin on my lap or reach out with a paw.  Others don't see that and that's okay with me.  They probably don't need to because that's your special side and only special people see it. 

I did a bit of research about dog pounds here.  They’re deplorable to say in the least.  Never.  I can never ever bring you to a place that would ultimately lead to your death.  Time away from me brings you anguish.  I don’t think I will ever stand that look of betrayal many dogs have probably given when their owners left them especially if it comes from you.  I'd probably have nightmares many times over.  So no.  The answer is a definite ‘NO!’

I pray that the only touch you will ever feel in your lifetime is one of love.  I tell that to you often and now I’m writing it too.  I pray to that we will be together for as long as I can keep you - where no calamity has separated us or some unforeseen event.  I can't really think of any other possible reason as to why we would be apart - except that I travel at times.  The most beautiful thing is that I'm excited to come home to you. So live, love, and just be you.Who knows, as a spirit, you may later on turn into something else – a human maybe – and you’d be able to read this.  I hope you'd be able to. 

To My Little Sister - Part 10

April 1, 2015

Dear Rose,

One more day to go before I spend the Holy Week there.  It'll have been 25 years since.  The nice thing with hearing mass there at this time of the year is that I know that the Holy Week ceremonies are going to be a lot more solemn and definitely a lot more different than the ones I've seen out here.  Memories of those times are quite faded.  The only thing I remember is the solemnity.  I sure am looking forward to Easter Sunday most of all.

I'm still reeling from how quickly things turned out the way they did.  A lot of people are happy for me and I know a lot of others who may not be too happy.  But you know what?I frankly don't care much.  I'm at an age where I just do the things I need to do in my life.  I don't have a lot of expectations for the Holy Week other than that I will be living in peace with myself and a couple of friends. If I see you,I hope it'll be good. I don't have to talk to you.  I just need to see you're happy.  You have no reason to fake happiness if you aren't.  I'll know as well if you are.  From all that I've heard from Monsie, I'm more inclined to believe that all is well and that you've finally found your niche in that community.  I am also dealing with making peace with that fact.

As you probably will read from my previous letters - I'd rather you stay.  I know that choices need to be made on your own.  But you know what, it really isn't worth the pain, the noise, the pollution, the chaos that is out here.  I like it because it's taken me 25 years of living it, of getting used to.  This is my life now.  Would I return someday, it would probably be safe to say that I'm not closing all my doors at this time.  I can't say for sure.  I like my life out here because there isn't too many rules I need to follow.  For sure, there are rules in that community as we both know so well - the question is whether I'm willing to leave everything and abide by those rules again - of prayer and of work.  Not at this time. I'm to steeped in the way of life here.  It was good that Monsie accepted that fact but that she had advised me to be cautious.  I will keep that in mind.  One cannot be too pious out here as I've learned many a time.  One needs to be strong-willed.  But then I can only do so much.

So, I hope see a glimpse of you in the next few days.

Love ya,
Marie

Note: Super duper late post

To My Little Sister - Part 9

March 30, 2015

Dear Rose,

By now, you may have heard that I paid a visit to Monsie yesterday.  After 25 years since I left, I can't really put into words how I feel right now.  I feel light but still apprehensive about what we talked about for almost 8.5 hours yesterday.  For the most part, she was able to confirm that what was done to us was a big mistake.  There was no one to care for us at the time and there was just no one who'd be able to handle our group and that's why Mona was assigned to care for us (more, more sighs.)  It was definitely unfortunate that she had to be the one to care for us and dole out so much pain.  But then, when I look back at the time, it's with a mixture of distaste for what has been and a feeling of triumph for what was.  I can continue to move on with my life as you have yours.  I do hope again, you've moved on with better memories, good memories.

If Monsie tells me that life is good for you, then it must be.  If Mona hasn't been and never will be in charge of watching over other people, then everything should be okay, right?

I asked to speak with you yesterday.  Monsie said, maybe one day I could.  It's definitely something to look forward to.

Gotta rush off for work.  Talk to you more when I write next.

Love ya,
Marie

Note:  Late post again.

To My Little Sister - Part 8

March 29, 2015

Dear Rose,

It's been almost a week since I last wrote.  There've been a lot of things as always.  It does get pretty crazy out here in the city at times.  l'm pretty sure that while you're there, you take things in stride right?  Do they still teach you guys to move like you're never in a rush, that it calms the spirit or something to that effect.  The funny thing is, out here, I'm one of the people who move real slow.  Friends, classmates, bosses alike say I move like I have so much time ahead.  What they don't know is that I'm moving at a real fast pace (according to my standards.)

I just finished reading a book entitled, Me Before You by Jojo Moyes.  It's an uplifting story but it has so much more text that just pulls at your heart strings.  I'm such a sucker for love stories and some sad stories.  This is a story about a very active, energetic, dynamic, sociable wealthy and almost powerful man who met an accident that left him moving around in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.  As expected, he finds it difficult to adapt to his new way of life. And much to his family's dismay he attempts to end his own life - an unsuccessful attempt at that.  He signs an agreement with his family that they give him only 6 months to live after which he would like to mercifully end his life.  The family hires a companion for him without really telling her that she's there to try and talk him out of his suicidal mission.  I guess the story has a lot of twists.  I was still hoping that at the end of it all, that his companion, Louisa, would be able to dissuade him from taking that final step.  She tried her best but in the end, he still ended his life by euthanasia.  The final twist is that in return, he gives Louisa, the chance of a lifetime - a chance to get out of her comfort zone and dare to do things she's never done before.  It's inspirational and also downright depressing.  Hahahaha.  I cried tons towards the end.  Oh well, that's life.

So here I am inspired once more to get going on with my dreams.  I have a lot to accomplish and I'm still in a quandary as to where I should even start.  Is it my art, my music, is it my vocational lessons, is it saving up even more, is it building a business to help build my savings, is it moving abroad to work or study?  Like the character in the book, the possibilities are endless.

I blame Caryana in part for having left me in emotional shambles.  But I've managed to pick up the rest of the pieces in my life, albeit after so much difficulty.  But it can happen and we can do it.  So if you decide to ever leave, make sure it's because you really want to.  I'm telling you, this world out here, it really is different.  No one expects you to be very good always and you can't be good all the time even if you want to.  Take for example when you're lining up for tickets to a movie and a group of teenagers overtake you in their excitement to purchase tickets for their crush's concert. I could let one pass.  But if this happens a good number of times and if it leaves me still at the end of the line after half an hour to an hour, that's the time I really have to put my foot down. Enough with being generous. You get my point?  So I'm glad if at this time, you have no will to leave.  Life is good out here really and I apologize if I am sending you mixed signals.  But what I'm saying is -this is reality.  Sometimes life is good if we choose it to be.  And at other times, you may just feel like you're the unluckiest person alive.

One thing is certain, that whatever I choose to do - a friend I want to have, if I choose to stay home instead of going to church, if I choose to laze in bed, all these decisions will have its consequences. If I chose to let my past, those horrible memories take ahold of my thoughts until I had worked myself into a mighty frenzy, who knows what I could've done.  I'd probably have also gone crazy with thinking about the worst things that could've happened.  Anger can do that to a person.  I remember once where one detractor said that she could actually see the horns of the devil on Monsie.  I just had to tell her, well I don't.  I'm sorry, I couldn't indulge her. So I kept thinking that his was probably because she was so  mad at the community, so mad at the people managing it.  I was angry for a very long time.  Angry at Caryana.  But you know what, only one person ever hurt me - really hurt me.  But she isn't Caryana.  It's not easy to realize that.  A friend had to make me see it.  I guess, you'll always want to believe what you want to believe.

In all these, I'm coming to realize just how one sided this entire situation was all along.  That I, and all the rest, are clueless to what's really happened.  It's much like being judged even before people get to know you.  There is no way I am condoning what was done to us. But there is also no denying the fact that we may not have even existed until today if we were not taken in.  I keep thinking and I firmly believe that if it weren't for all those atrocious deeds, I'd still be living there.  Would I be happy?  I wouldn't really know.  Do I have plans of going back.  Not now or in the near future.  Maybe one of these days, when Monsie and Father Odon are not alive and you and I have grown old, maybe I may even think of coming back.  But why? I love my life out here too much to really even entertain the thought of staying there for good.

I imagine myself living in silence like it was those years ago.  The silence would be welcome.  But for how long?  How long could I last without being restless once again.  I think that was the thing with me.  It was my restlessness.  My thoughts could run haywire all day.  I probably would have been some kind of artist by now if I had not lived there… not the type you see on TV.  Maybe a writer, maybe a moody painter.  But today, I aspire to be those and still believe I'm doing a pretty good job at it.  Again, there are definitely no regrets with living out here.  There may be a few 'what if's' but they're not the kind that would make me break out in a sweat.


It's Sunday again.  You're done with Mass and are probably on lunch.  Maybe you guys are out to have a fun day today.  That's one of the things I miss.  We don't get a lot of that out here without having to worry about every penny that we'd have to spend.  That's one of the nice things you got going there.

I visited Caryana today.  I'll probably talk to you about it in future letters.  Something good came out of it is what I can say.

Anyways, take care.

Marie

Note: Super duper late post.

To My Little Sister - Part 7

March 22, 2015

Dear Rose,

How are you?  I'm trying to uplift my spirits.  I'm trying to feel happier.  Alisha, Michelle's adorable, adorable, little girl just left for her trip back to Australia.  She's the funniest little girl I've ever encountered.  If there's a little girl who knows how to use her charms, it's definitely her.   I don't know when she and her mum will be back.  Hopefully, it'll be soon.  At almost a year and half, she's feisty and knows what she wants and doesn't want - in terms of food and what she wants to do.  To top it all, she has so much energy enough to last us for 3 days.  Hahaha Age oh age!

This is her:

I wonder how grandma feels.  But it's good that she has this wonderful ability to just take things in stride and just take things as they are.  If I were in her place, I would definitely feel crushed knowing that the bond I should be sharing with my own child is someone else's joy. But that's her.  Ever since I met her out here again, she's always been such a jolly person - laughs at almost every little thing. That's probably why she still looks like she's in her 30s or 40s at close to 70.  The years are going by so fast and pretty soon we'll reach that age too.

I wonder how we'll both be.  Will I finally be able to be at peace with that past we've all had? Maybe. It definitely is something to look forward to.  The painful memories will always be there but then there are always more good and beautiful memories to look forward to. I want you to have the same thing.  I don't know if we're both alike in that we harbor resentment.  It isn't good and that's why I'm working on just healing myself.  Life is good and if marred with bitter memories those don't make for an ideal life.

I want to just live life.  There's just so much to do - music, art, wood work like picture frames and dollhouses, etc.  I'll let you know what happens.  For now, I'm concentrating on improving my guitar skills.  I can strum and pluck a bit and the internet is full of tutorials it'd be the best way to learn;  that and daily practice. Writing daily - to you (lol or whoever) and a bit of painting here and there. Nothing serious.

Anyways, it's Monday.  Hope you enjoy the week.  For me, it's the start of the work week - Mondays are like dreadful things because it signals the end of the weekend, the start of work and being serious, the end of play and art.  But then after work each day, I look forward to going home and deciding what I want to do.


Take care,
Marie

To My Little Sister - Part 6

March 22, 2015

Dear Rose,

I almost didn't wake up early.  I always try to wake up early in the morning because I find that it is the best time to write.  Sometimes, I suffer from what we call - writer's block, where the flow of thoughts just doesn't come freely and therefore, there is a dearth of topics to write about.  A few weeks ago, before I got this techy thing, I felt tired writing.  Writing on a notebook is good.  But my hands will never flow as fast as my thoughts do.  But at least when I type, it cuts down the time and at least I can just type and type and type on.  Thank God for techy stuff huh.

Anyway, it's Sunday today, so I'm assuming that you're up and about and ready to go to church.  I'm a bit sad because this is Michelle and Alisha's last day here before they fly off again to Australia. They've been here for about 3.5 months after her dad died.  And she's also spent as much time of it in Caryana, with her mom and JP.   You've met Alisha haven't you.  She is the sweetest, the smartest and the funniest little girl ever.  I'm going to miss my Princess.  She has been growing by leaps and bounds and at one year and a half, she has been trying to say as many words as she can on a daily basis.  Yesterday, she said 'excuse me' which sounded like 'su si'  She's wonderful and too cute.  I don't know how to describe the joy she brings and more so because Michelle and I have become real best friends, almost like sisters.  I hope you have a buddy too that you could trust the same way I do Michelle.  It's a friendship that has had it's ups and downs.  If there was one person in the whole while world who's been totally supportive about all my dreams - it's her.  It's a wonderful thing to have and this is one reason I stay out here.

She and I actually were just talking about you yesterday and how you may not after all, appreciate the fact that I am working to get you out of there.  To tell you the truth, it's a half-hearted effort.  I want Mona and the other women there to pay the consequences of the atrocious acts done but at the same time, I'd like to respect the fact that some of you may not really want to live outside.  I mean really - Again, life out here can be fun but at your age, it really is going to take a lot of adjustment.  You'll have to learn how to earn.  Before you can earn, you'll have to go through some sort of education - like you may need to take an online course or go to a traditional school to learn a trade.  Who'd pay for your course, who'd help you with funds for transportation, with every day expenses for food, lodgings, water and what not.  And when you start working, it's never easy.  Depending on the type of work you applied for, most times, it's not just going to about you sitting behind a desk and doing paperwork.  Not unless if you probably apply at a Call Center. But this is a tough job too.  Most people think differently.  But that's just them.

Most of those who came out applied there.  It doesn't take much education but it also demands a lot from applicants - the work hours, the type of Support you'll be giving - Customer Service, Technical Support, Financial Support, HealthCare Support - and having to deal with all kinds of customers.  It's never been easy.  The bright side to it, is learning new stuff, getting paid a higher wage compared to the ordinary daily wage - like you can earn from 13 thousand Pesos to 18 thousand pesos, depending on how you speak and the type of Support you'll be rendering.  It's really a gamble.  You'll have to learn how to stand on your own.  Again, remembering what I know of you - you're pretty impulsive - more impulsive than I am.  So if I find a certain line of work difficult, I'm tempted to leave.  I did that in my past jobs.  I left and didn't go back.  It's a shame.  I got out of working that old and boring routine, but the downside to it is that I didn't' get my final pay each time. So it was like, working for free for a company I didn't like.  At least those instances were few and far between.  Most of the time, one has just got to grit one's teeth and forge on.

So allow me to write and I hope you'd be able to read it someday.  I'll be happy if you are.  That's the only thing that really matters to me. Sunday mass over there is about to start.  I haven't been to mass in a long, long time.  Last Sunday, I attended mass only because I had to attend the christening ceremony of one of my god children, Kiera.  But I don't really go to church.  I like going on my own - which is rare.  I just don't especially when I hear words from the pulpit that aim to put the fear of the Lord in everyone's hearts.  My point is that the way to God isn't something scary.  There are many and different ways to the Lord as each of us travel our own paths.  If we all did, then the Martyrs and the Saints would have lived exactly the same life and end up in Heaven.  But that wasn't the case.  Some served the Lord and died peacefully. Others served the Lord and were persecuted for it.  Others, spent their whole lives helping to convert heathens to Christianity, while others spent their lives serving the poor.  There are too many ways to reach out to the Lord.  I do it in my own simple way by talking to the Lord in prayer when I remember.  Like if I'm on the bus, or I'm the shower….any place is a good place to talk to the Lord.  There is no fear of damnation because I know that I haven't done anything wrong.  My heart may not be pure most times.  What I'm probably aiming at is that the life in there, serving God can also be lived out here.  God did say, there is one way to serve him but he didn't specify a place, did he?  No.  He most certainly did not mention Caryana. So if you wish to be there, I have to learn to accept it.  I may not like it but if you're happy, I should be happy for you.

Oh well, the argument for the day ends now.

Enjoy your day okay.

Love,
Marie

Note:  Better late than never post.

To My Little Sister - Part 5

March 20, 2015

Dear Rose,

I woke up real early today with a stuffy and running nose. The summer time is well on its way so this is not a welcome feeling.  But as always, I'm still ready to write you a letter for the day.  There isn't much really.  Yesterday was a good day though.  I bought another book - Cat & Mouse by James Patterson.  It's a murder thriller.  After watching countless documentaries, TV series and movie series on psychopath killers, it's little wonder that I still do not have the makings of a killer.  Perhaps if I put what I learned into practice it would.  But you know what?  I just ain't made out of killing material.  I have a soft spot for people.  Maybe if I stayed longer in there - I'd probably be one as a teen - with that devil may care attitude that I had.

Anyway, I had a meeting with my big, big boss on training methods.  It was good.  My company is finally seeing the light in terms of technology.  The funny thing is, just when I bought by laptop, they tell me now that they ordered a laptop for me to use at work.  Anyways, this investment hasn't been in vain.  I need as many of the tools as I need to just get to writing and to researching.  Plus, they're also requesting for an iPAD.  Amazing!  It's good to read about things, to relax, just let my brain absorb all the information.  I like this learning thing.  I'm not a nerd or what - hopefully not.  But it's good to read and watch stuff.  You'd be surprised at the extent of the knowledge base on the Net.

Speaking of Knowledge - do you remember the Books of Knowledge we used to read when we were younger?  I couldn't get enough of those.  I loved the stories, the articles.  Do you also remember the time that Mona used to let us memorize those articles on what gravity was, the push and pull of the earth, inertia, the different planets and how they rotated on their axis?  It was the closest thing to education that we could ever get. I just hope that she was better at explaining things rather than just making us memorize paragraphs.   In fact, I remember the photocopied brown, ruled papers, the school materials they bought us, like pencils, papers, the erasers with those eyes I loved to jiggle up and down.

After a few months of leaving - I left on May 25, 1990 - In July of the same year, mom and dad had me enrolled in the very school that Monsie, Nagi, Sandy and BimBim studied in - St. Scholastica's College, Manila.  I was amazed at the number of books and notebooks that I had to bring on a daily basis.  I loved the classes except for Filipino and History.  Not because I didn't want to learn. It was only because I didn't understand a single word.  That, together with the fact that I had no knowledge of what PE and HE meant.  So, my classmates were like - 'where the heck did you come from? You from the U .S. or what?"  One even said, "even if you study in the U.S. you should know what those stand for.  You testing us? That's stupid." So I remember my face becoming real warm - I was blushing from embarrassment and I walked away from the group.  That was the first day of class.  My teachers were very nice.  They always smiled and made it a point to answer all of my questions.  I got good grades and became really good at working on projects they assigned us.  Call me teacher's pet.  Almost everyone called me Teacher's pet because I'd sit and talk with them, ask them about life, their children, what life was like for them.  That's how I knew that the experiences we had weren't supposed to happen. My classmates always thought I was fishing for grades.  I didn't even know what it was at the time.  In fact, I loved talking to my teachers and the nuns rather than talking to mom and dad when I came home.

I only had a couple of friends but it didn't really matter.  I was in the same grade as Mocca.  But she was in a different section.  She used to call me and ask me so much stuff like if I met the brother of so and the guy friend of whoever.  I was like - no, I didn't really have time for that and it wasn't like mom and dad would allow me.  She hurt my feelings sometimes by telling me that I was such a prude but that was okay.  I kept everything inside.  Sometimes, I was sad and a few moments later, I'd be okay again.  The best place I always went to no matter what school I was in - whether it was St. Scholastica's College or Assumption or Philippine Women's University - it was always the Library.  In there, I lived in my own world.   I was in every book lover's paradise.

If there ever was a number of frustrations in school - it was the inability to fully understand Filipino and having mom and dad attend our Family Day or Sports days or other days in school.  I used to be so envious of my classmates in Assumption who brought with them both parents and their siblings.  I'd sit in the bleachers and just look at how happy they were.  I'd be waiting and waiting and then finally one of my brothers would come.  You remember Tong, don't you.  Among all, he was the one who showed a slight interest in my studies and would attend some of my school functions.  It wasn't that I didn't appreciate his presence.  It was just different because I felt I needed mom and dad to be there for me.  Even when I graduated High School - Tong was there.  My parents were not.  I was smiling for the camera but my heart was aching.  Dad said he and mom didn't go because it was too warm.  I said it was okay and that I understood.  But it still hurt. I think what hurts the most is that I didn't let them know how I felt. I've been handling a team for two to three years.  I feel bad when people don't speak up.  I'm not a soothsayer who can guess what's on their minds.  So I remembered how I was with mom and dad.  Stupid huh?

No one helped me with research or projects. I had to do those on my own.  It was good training ground I guess.  Plus, I had the library all to myself.  The librarians from the libraries in Elementary, High School and College knew me.  That was my go-to place, my place of peace, quiet, solitude.  To get lost in the world of books was always better than anything else.  It's a miracle I didn't go crazy with the stuff that I was reading. You'd probably love it as well.  I can't remember real well if you loved reading - I'm assuming you did.  Almost all the girls who grew up there and who're out here would die for books.  hahaha it's a term.

Anyways, as always - I hope you enjoy your day to day.  If you love books too it'd be swell.  We could go to the library or the bookstore together.

Wishing,
Marie

Note:  Boom!  yeah - this is another late post.