March 29, 2015
Dear Rose,
It's been almost a week since I last wrote. There've been a lot of things as always. It does get pretty crazy out here in the city at times. l'm pretty sure that while you're there, you take things in stride right? Do they still teach you guys to move like you're never in a rush, that it calms the spirit or something to that effect. The funny thing is, out here, I'm one of the people who move real slow. Friends, classmates, bosses alike say I move like I have so much time ahead. What they don't know is that I'm moving at a real fast pace (according to my standards.)
I just finished reading a book entitled, Me Before You by Jojo Moyes. It's an uplifting story but it has so much more text that just pulls at your heart strings. I'm such a sucker for love stories and some sad stories. This is a story about a very active, energetic, dynamic, sociable wealthy and almost powerful man who met an accident that left him moving around in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. As expected, he finds it difficult to adapt to his new way of life. And much to his family's dismay he attempts to end his own life - an unsuccessful attempt at that. He signs an agreement with his family that they give him only 6 months to live after which he would like to mercifully end his life. The family hires a companion for him without really telling her that she's there to try and talk him out of his suicidal mission. I guess the story has a lot of twists. I was still hoping that at the end of it all, that his companion, Louisa, would be able to dissuade him from taking that final step. She tried her best but in the end, he still ended his life by euthanasia. The final twist is that in return, he gives Louisa, the chance of a lifetime - a chance to get out of her comfort zone and dare to do things she's never done before. It's inspirational and also downright depressing. Hahahaha. I cried tons towards the end. Oh well, that's life.
So here I am inspired once more to get going on with my dreams. I have a lot to accomplish and I'm still in a quandary as to where I should even start. Is it my art, my music, is it my vocational lessons, is it saving up even more, is it building a business to help build my savings, is it moving abroad to work or study? Like the character in the book, the possibilities are endless.
I blame Caryana in part for having left me in emotional shambles. But I've managed to pick up the rest of the pieces in my life, albeit after so much difficulty. But it can happen and we can do it. So if you decide to ever leave, make sure it's because you really want to. I'm telling you, this world out here, it really is different. No one expects you to be very good always and you can't be good all the time even if you want to. Take for example when you're lining up for tickets to a movie and a group of teenagers overtake you in their excitement to purchase tickets for their crush's concert. I could let one pass. But if this happens a good number of times and if it leaves me still at the end of the line after half an hour to an hour, that's the time I really have to put my foot down. Enough with being generous. You get my point? So I'm glad if at this time, you have no will to leave. Life is good out here really and I apologize if I am sending you mixed signals. But what I'm saying is -this is reality. Sometimes life is good if we choose it to be. And at other times, you may just feel like you're the unluckiest person alive.
One thing is certain, that whatever I choose to do - a friend I want to have, if I choose to stay home instead of going to church, if I choose to laze in bed, all these decisions will have its consequences. If I chose to let my past, those horrible memories take ahold of my thoughts until I had worked myself into a mighty frenzy, who knows what I could've done. I'd probably have also gone crazy with thinking about the worst things that could've happened. Anger can do that to a person. I remember once where one detractor said that she could actually see the horns of the devil on Monsie. I just had to tell her, well I don't. I'm sorry, I couldn't indulge her. So I kept thinking that his was probably because she was so mad at the community, so mad at the people managing it. I was angry for a very long time. Angry at Caryana. But you know what, only one person ever hurt me - really hurt me. But she isn't Caryana. It's not easy to realize that. A friend had to make me see it. I guess, you'll always want to believe what you want to believe.
In all these, I'm coming to realize just how one sided this entire situation was all along. That I, and all the rest, are clueless to what's really happened. It's much like being judged even before people get to know you. There is no way I am condoning what was done to us. But there is also no denying the fact that we may not have even existed until today if we were not taken in. I keep thinking and I firmly believe that if it weren't for all those atrocious deeds, I'd still be living there. Would I be happy? I wouldn't really know. Do I have plans of going back. Not now or in the near future. Maybe one of these days, when Monsie and Father Odon are not alive and you and I have grown old, maybe I may even think of coming back. But why? I love my life out here too much to really even entertain the thought of staying there for good.
I imagine myself living in silence like it was those years ago. The silence would be welcome. But for how long? How long could I last without being restless once again. I think that was the thing with me. It was my restlessness. My thoughts could run haywire all day. I probably would have been some kind of artist by now if I had not lived there… not the type you see on TV. Maybe a writer, maybe a moody painter. But today, I aspire to be those and still believe I'm doing a pretty good job at it. Again, there are definitely no regrets with living out here. There may be a few 'what if's' but they're not the kind that would make me break out in a sweat.
It's Sunday again. You're done with Mass and are probably on lunch. Maybe you guys are out to have a fun day today. That's one of the things I miss. We don't get a lot of that out here without having to worry about every penny that we'd have to spend. That's one of the nice things you got going there.
I visited Caryana today. I'll probably talk to you about it in future letters. Something good came out of it is what I can say.
Anyways, take care.
Marie
Note: Super duper late post.
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