March 19, 2015
Dear Rose,
Luckily my working hours are so relaxed. I kind of have to really get that feel for work sometimes. It isn't because I don't want to work. I mean - I like earning. Sometimes, I just get really tired (not physically) of working. I've been working in this BPO (Call Center industry) for a little more than 11 years now. It was very difficult at first because the shift schedules were the exact opposite of the normal work hours. In the Philippines, you normally work during the day, when the sun is out. When you work in a Call Center, you sleep during the day and work at night because most of our customers are from the U.S. When it's daytime there, it is night time here. Anyways, I went through this period of adjustment that took about 6-7 years. It was that long! So imagine if you've only been working there for just a few days, to a month to a year. Some say, they don't really have a difficult time sleeping but if you've spent a good number of years sleeping peacefully at night - I tell you, when you try to sleep during the day, you do so with a lot of effort during the first few years. When I lay down and tried to sleep, I could hear people talking, the birds chirping, the roosters crowing, children laughing and playing. They were constant sources of frustration but I had to keep it to myself. It made no sense for me to scream my head off (even if I wanted very much to do so!!!) There were days, when even just a few minutes of sleep was all I had.
Last night, I asked my new boss, Edison, if I could just take the day off and get to work in the afternoon the next day. So now it's early morning - early for me - and am up writing you. Again dear, I don't really know what you're going to make out of all these letters. I don't know too if you'll ever get to read them. I also have no idea how you'd feel living out here. For sure, you'd enjoy your freedom tremendously. But then there's just so much one can do out here.
I remember when I first left, I'd stay up a bit at night, in my own room in mom's house, just looking at the neighbour's night light as it shown through my window, I'd think that it was unbelievable how I successfully left. Many months after, I used to just smile from sheer happiness at how light I felt. Freedom was sweet victory. But then when I woke up the next day, mom would ask me to help clean the house, wash the dishes, or I needed to do something else. Those chores were definitely not my idea of freedom. But I had to do them. I think it was a constant push and pull of wills. I was always thinking that I'd get punished just like I used to when I was in Caryana. The worst thing they could've asked me to do was to stay in my room. Many were the times that I got sent up to my room. Many were the times, I fought, I answered back, I slammed the door of my room. It broke mom and dad's hearts. I myself couldn't understand why I used to get so mad. Now that I'm so much older, I can look back and really say how stupid I was. There was so much I needed from them and I'll have to say they gave all they had. Sure, we had those moments - I think everyone does.
The anger. I had really bad periods where I would see red. Literally. I think the years of pent up emotions did that. Little things like dirt, dust, people talking too loud, children being bratty totally irritated me. I was surprised that Ate Carmina's children (you remember her don't you?) who were very little at the time were so bratty (or so I thought.) But there were no spankings for them. It was just talks, hugs and kisses. I couldn't understand that because all we knew prior to that was that as early as one, little babies could already be taught to sit on their own. At such a young age, they were already taught to sit still and if they moved and fidgeted their backsides could get tapped or really spanked. That wasn't the way out here. Mom was outraged to learn that it was being done. But it frustrated me that she couldn't do anything else about what I saw and experienced there. "Our" nieces are all grown up now and are beautiful people.
Back then, I wanted to be a Knight in shining armour and rescue all of the little children there including you and all the other girls. It's a little girl's fantasy. It was only years later that I realized that dad's warnings to be cautious and his words of having to be realistic finally sunk in. When you're brought up in a society of rules and laws - the word 'legal' is a buzzword. Now it does have meaning for me. Back then, I had no sense of the law, no sense of order. The only thing that mattered was the sense of right and wrong. After having received other people's confirmation that indeed, what was being done to us was wrong - I was going to get you guys out. But no - today, you're still there. Things didn't happen the way I pictured them when I was younger. Why? That's a question I ask myself often. What could I have done to ensure that everything was alright?
All I can say was that I had my own troubles. There was school too and I had to live. I enjoyed school. I loved learning. I just didn't like mingling with my other classmates too much nor did I like going to parties that mom would bring me to. I didn't really have other people to talk to not unless you count Mocca. Mocca, when I met her, had totally adjusted to the life out here. We were in the same grade level. She was very sociable - too sociable in fact, because she had a lot of guy friends - which mom and dad warned me about. I would visit their house in Geronimo St. Magallanes Village, to play soft ball or just sit in the swing. Their house was right across a park. Romina would be there but we rarely talked about our life in Magalang and how she would spank me. No, we each had those memories firmly tucked in the past whenever we met. We were mum about those topics.
Today, you're still there and I'm out here. We have miles and miles between us. Our mindsets are probably different. I've been thinking a lot about this for quite sometime - albeit with the help of a friend. I don't know how you feel now about Caryana. If you're living in Maurus, I think that you wouldn't really want the life out here. If you have a bit of freedom, in that place, it's more than enough. If you have food to eat, Monsie's generosity - it's more than enough. Being there, I know what it feels like to be in Maurus. Girls and boys alike would be so envious at the little favors that we'd receive. Out here, those same favours wouldn't really mean anything. So yes, maybe the life there is better for you. Ironic huh? For me to tell you that the life there would be a lot better - yes, it would. Almost nothing out here is free. You have to earn your keep. You have to traverse the highways on the way to work, get used to the noise, the sweat, the dreariness of city life. The reward we get out of it is food on my table, a place to stay, my thoughts and everything to do with as I please. I've learned a long time ago that if I abuse the freedom I have, if I do things, say things that could bring negative results, I have to pay for the consequences. I had to learn to be responsible. It's a long learning process that you may not be ready for anymore. I always think that the longer you stay there, the more settled you become. I wasn't about to go back to learn again to be silent, to follow the rules, and not to question. There are rules here to follow but there is no one following our every move, no one bringing a belt or a lash to hit you for every infraction. So, it brings with it, the desire to just do what we need to do. There is no need for that push and pull of wills. Life is good for me just as it may be good for you over there. I have my friends, you probably have yours. I can talk, I can go shopping with them or just spend a quiet day at home watching a movie or just doing simple chores. I now like doing those maybe because I rent my own apartment. No one will really clean up after me.
So I'm off to work later. I'll be back tonight. I'll be working the late afternoon shift today and tomorrow. I hope to have a bit of fun. I could fall asleep maybe because my body has to adjust. The only things I'm really looking forward to is writing the next letter and sleeping tonight. That'd be a treat. After the efforts of sleeping during the day, sleeping at night is definitely a treat.
So little sis, hope you enjoy your day. My letters are probably full of gloom and the past. I hope that sprinkles of both every now and then would give you a better picture of my life out here if you do get to read this. Again, I'm always wondering if you'd ever get to write back. All sighs for now.
Yours truly,
Marie
Note: This is another late post.
