March 17, 2015
Dear Rose,
I think of you very often. Just last week and the week before, I suddenly found myself crying over you. In fact, I wasn't very sure why. I just knew that I missed you. Funny how all those feelings seem to surface after so many years. I always thought I was hard-hearted. It isn't true. After all those years of pent up emotions and as I grow older, it now just seems a waste of time to continue to hold them back. If I'm happy, why not share my happiness. If I'm sad, why not cry a little and then be done with it? If I'm angry at someone, just face that person and spit out whatever and be friends again. Simple huh? Never thought it'd be this easy but is!
The years in Caryana teach you to cry in silence. Do you know how many times I did? It probably happened so many times to you too. Prayer times were my loneliest moments. I was in front of the altar, crying in my heart while I recited the Psalms of David, the Book of Solomon, and the Words of Wisdom. I could find no consolation. Instead, I pulled my blindfold down to hide the tears that threatened to overflow. They became so wet, I was afraid it wasn't enough to hold all the tears I shed every time.
That inexplicable sadness. I can't say I was total void of happiness. In fact, I treasured every happy moment we could find. What was one moment I remember - eating that powder thingy encased in purple. Do you remember how we'd blow the powder in each other's faces. It tasted just like milk. I think that was one Christmas Day when we were about 4 or 5. Nagi and Sandy were still the ones taking care of us.
I don't know if you'll ever get to read these letters. Maybe you just might do so one day or you may never. At least, this is an avenue of release too just as I would like to share things that happen to me on a daily basis with you just as if you were with me.
I hope there's someone to exchange the letters with. Sadly, there isn't for now. Anyways, that's one happy thing I'm doing. I'll just keep on writing and writing.
Do you know - sadness and depression are the worst things that can happen but they do happen even to the best of us. If I had succeeded in ending my life those many years ago, I suppose I wouldn't be here to write you this letter. The only thing that stopped me was the fear of pain. Funny huh? After all those hard blows when we were younger, I'm still afraid of pain. Yes, I don't have to pretend out here anymore. I don't have to stifle my cries and pray hard that my tears and my red nose wouldn't betray my pain and sadness. I can cry as loud as I want now (but God forbid people hear me - it would be an utter shame.)
I hope all is still well with you. Enough about me! I hope you woke up happy today. Did you? I can't imagine what you might me doing. Perhaps running errands? Maybe. I hope you have a great day today. I'll be off to bed in a few.
Big Sis,
Marie
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