Dear Rose,
How are you today? I hope all is well and peaceful.
You know, I have good and bad memories of that place - your home for the past 35 years? Just like anything else, the beauty of a product, a place, or a person is always marred by that one bad or awful experience. But before I left, I just had too many bad ones. Those necessarily didn't really happen to me. In fact, so little happened to me compared to you, compared to our companions. Those memories bring a bitter taste to my mouth. l think many times how it would be if one day if I'd see Mona out here. What would it feel like. For sure, I wouldn't feel nothing. She's that one person I truly hate. I wonder now if you've ever come to love her after all these years. It's possible.
Love? It's hard to define what it really is since we grew up without it when we were younger. For me, it's tantamount to care borne from a certain attachment to a person or persons. You're that one person I do care for. I don't know when it started. But I remember not feeling anything akin to it when we were younger. Do you know why I say that? I could watch you and all the others beaten, and I wouldn't feel any remorse. I felt scared yes, but it never was enough to make me brave enough to fight. I don't think I did a lot of things that would cause you or any of the others to suffer for me, so to speak. But there was just so little feeling. There was no urge to fight and tell Mona to stop hurting us. For some girls, there was a frighteningly feeling of glee. I'm ashamed to even admit it now but yes. Remember Teresa. I don't know what she really did for me to not like her at all. So every time she was punished, it gave me some degree of satisfaction, some degree of accomplishment as if I were the one who directly caused it. Shame on me!
Oh well, let's reserve those horrors for another day. Something funny and torturous happened at work today. I had listened to a number of calls and had write-ups for each of them. There came a point when I couldn't see the mouse cursor on my screen, so I lifted it and tried to point it at different files. For some reason, the delete function came up. I had unthinkingly deleted the file I just created and lost saved work, time and energy. I will have to redo those when I come in to the office later. It was just about 10 calls but that's still 10. At least I didn't lose 20 or more. That happened once before to...about 45. I was almost in tears when that happened. But later will be another day.
i still wonder what you do on a daily basis. I hear that all those Monsie takes care of are really cared for, privileged, so to speak. What does she do for you guys? tell you stories? play the piano? or the guitar for you? Beats me. I can't really picture her being the affectionate type - you know...like the type who hugs. No wonder it's taboo there. Imagine me getting the shock of my life when I came out years ago. Part of greeting mom's friends or Ate and Kuya's friends was to kiss them. That was an entirely different experience - a scary one back then. I guess I'll greet you the same way if ever I do get to meet you. I can just picture how you'd be looking at me like I'd gone off the deep end.
Anyways, this is it for today. I'm off to bed now. Hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
Much love,
Marie
Note: This is a late post hence the difference in dates.
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